To a Mirror, Cracked

You aren't talking to who you think you are

Dec 30, 2025

What if I told you I didn’t exist?

No, I’m not saying I’m generated by AI, I am a 100% live human typing this out…but that doesn’t mean I truly exist to anyone but myself. The same goes for you. The only real you is the one in your own mind. Everyone else are just simulated models that you’ve created and understanding this can save you a lot of trouble.

The Model Is Wrong

Let’s jump right into it. When I say all the other people are models I mean that the version of people with whom you interact a simplified versions, representing the real object (person). You create each of these models based on information gathered from previous interactions with them, but also every interaction with every other person you’ve had, combined with your own expectations, upbringing, and beliefs. Unfortunately, much of this information is inaccurate. They are NOT a collection of all your past experiences and beliefs, they’re a collection of their own past experiences, upbringing, and beliefs. However, since telepathy doesn’t exist, we can’t know how that shaped the “real” person and how they’re different from our mental model of them. This leads to shock and confusion when they don’t act in the way our model of them predicted they would.

Usually, the model is fairly good at predicting action/response. But then a simple comment or action ends up being taken much differently than what you meant/expected. Their solution to a problem is much different than yours. What you thought was a valid offer they found insulting…or vice versa. Communication suddenly feels difficult because the very meaning of words doesn’t match. What we took for granted suddenly falls apart. The model was wrong. Missing information was subconsciously replaced with your own historical data, altering your conclusions/ interpretations away from “them” to “us”.

What’s can be done?

Before you start second-guessing every interaction, remember that life is rather messy and “close enough” often is good enough for success. I don’t want to stress you out with overthinking. This is more for your interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and other high-level relationships. Please don’t grill the store clerk at checkout, especially if I’m in line behind you!

At the these higher level interactions, as with any problem, the first step is to admit there is one. Hopefully in this case, doing so is pretty simple for you. All it takes is admitting you can’t read people’s minds. You can guess, often very well if you’ve been paying close attention to the person for a long time, but unless they explain their inner workings, you can’t know.

Second, don’t get mad, depressed, or withdrawn when you discover a miscommunication. Instead, say “My mental model of you is incorrect. To help me better understand you going forward, do you have time now to explain your thought process? I’d really appreciate it.” It’s important that the person believes you are sincere in this request. If you’ve asked this before and didn’t utilize the information, if you ask it in an accusatory tone, or you start interrupting you’ll come across as an insincere jerk. Pay attention, only ask questions to clarify what you’re being told, and remember what was said.

Thirdly, seek what they lacked in childhood, because according to behavior analysts Chase Hughes, that’s what motivates them as adults. I don’t mean a particular physical lack, but one of the following six core needs:

Significance (to feel important / that you “make a difference”).
Acceptance (to feel included / part of “us,” a team/tribe).
Approval (to be reassured/affirmed—especially by others’ feedback).
Intelligence (to be seen as smart/competent).
Pity (to have others recognize how hard you’ve had it / what you’ve endured).
Strength / Power (to be seen as strong/powerful—someone others won’t challenge).

There’s only a 1 in 6 chance that what motivates you motivates others, but not realizing this can lead to big misinterpretations. How do you figure out which of these is the correct on for the mental model of the person. Asking outright is pretty awkward and there’s no guarantee they consciously know or would admit the truth. You have to seek clues from their actions and words. For example, if they do a lot of charitable work, it’s likely Significance. If they do a lot of crosswords, sudoku puzzles, or are always readying complicated books, bet on Intelligence. If they walk around looking like a giant Viking, it’s 100% Strength/Power.

Once you understand a person’s motivation, a lot of their actions and comments fall into place. Your mental model becomes more accurate. But still remember that you can’t actually read their mind. There will still be surprises. Hopefully smaller ones causing less conflict. Afterall, you’re the only true person you’ll ever meet. Everyone else is just a model created by your brain.

Thanks for reading Merriwether’s Substack! This post is public so feel free to share it.